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Between five and ten percent of girls in the United States suffer from eating disorders. Many times we blame mom – but according to a recent study from Penn State, pressure from perfectionist fathers can also reinforce tendencies towards anorexia and bulimia.

18-year-old Brooke Benson is recovering from bulimia. She says she felt pressure to be small from her family. “They just wanted a little girl,” she says, “and then I wasn’t. I wasn’t ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’.”

Brooke isn’t alone. Many girls want attention from their fathers.

“When he had believed in me, that I said I could do it – even if I knew I couldn’t – I didn’t want to let dad down,” says 20-year-old Tiffany Ludwig.

But recent studies show that high expectations from perfectionist fathers can cause children to take drastic measures.

“He thought he was doing the right thing, by trying to teach me healthy eating and working out – and I just took it a couple steps further,” says 19-year-old Becca Lozano.

And as Dr. Rick Kilmer, a licensed psychologist explains, “[These children] think that the love is conditional. And if they do something, then they’ll be loveable. And so it sets up a tragic pattern of chasing their father’s love. Do I need to lose weight? Do I need to be prettier?”

And, experts say, when dads don’t spend enough time with their daughters, girls can get the wrong message. “Where you spend time is what you value,” says Kilmer. “And so when a child doesn’t have enough time with their father, the decision they make is ‘I’m not as important as [his] work.’”

He says dads need to remind themselves of what is really important: “If you don’t keep track that the reason you’re working is to have a quality life with those you love, and the work gets away from you, the perfectionism gets away from you, then it starts hurting the people around you instead of helping them.”

And that’s why, experts say, dads need to realize that both quality and quantity time matters. “Spend time with your daughters,” advises Kilmer, “share your life with her, let her know who you are and what you do. More important, listen to your daughter – what is she thinking, what is she feeling – listen for who she is and what she wants.”

What We Need To Know

• Teens are bombarded with over 1,200 ads a day, most of which are images of perfection. Dads can help negate those messages by explaining to their kids that there is no such thing as ‘perfect.’ (Rick Kilmer, PhD, licensed psychologist)
• Don’t talk about diets, don’t talk about body hatred, and don’t talk about how a girl’s mother ‘let herself go.’ Kids hearing those messages will think that love is connected to physical image, and is conditional. (Rick Kilmer, PhD, licensed psychologist)
• If you believe that your child has an eating disorder, it is important to confront them. Organize a plan of action – what people need to be involved, how to approach your child, and setting up an appropriate time. Also, understand that recovery is a long process and will not happen overnight. (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders)
• Do not think this is just a phase. Eating disorders are real, complex, and devastating conditions – that can have serious consequences on a child’s health, productivity, and relationships. (National Eating Disorders Association)

Resources

• Miller-Day, Perfectionist Fathers Can Reinforce Tendencies Toward Disordered Eating
• Academy for Eating Disorders
• The National Eating Disorders Screening Program
• Atlanta Center for Eating Disorders

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