“Finally you get to the point where you don’t appreciate their compliments anymore; you just kind of ignore them.”
– Christina, Age 17
For decades, American parents have heard that their most important task is to build up their children’s self esteem. But some experts now say that effort has been misguided…and has had unintended consequences. A new study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology confirms that life’s challenges… a little adversity, even mundane experiences, contributes to building resilience.
Despite earning only average grades, Christina says some of her teachers constantly showered her with compliments.
“Finally you get to the point where you don’t appreciate their compliments anymore; you just kind of ignore them,” she says.
Some experts say parents and teachers are afraid to let kids feel bad because it might damage their self-esteem. And so on many playing fields, everyone makes the team. At award ceremonies, everyone gets a ribbon. And in some schools, students are complimented just for showing up for class.
“There’s no longer a sense of earning something, of being able to set a goal, work for it, accomplish it and know there are distinctions between who does a better performance and who does a less-than-perfect performance. It has to be something when we give the praise that is praiseworthy, because if it gets watered down it, becomes meaningless to the child,” says Dr. Robert Simmermon, a psychologist.
These days, Christina works hard at her part-time job as an assistant cook, and she’s getting better grades in school. What changed? She went to a new school two years ago where she was encouraged to achieve and praised for real accomplishments.
“They push you harder and they tell you that you can do these things. They actually care about you. Like they make sincere pursuits for you to do things, and they’re happy whenever you achieve something,” Christina says.
And that, in turn, has improved her self-esteem.
“It’s kind of like having a second set of parents here because they just push you to do better and they praise you whenever you do really well and they’re happy when you’re happy,” she says.
What We Need To Know
A general increase in the self-esteem of American children is good news, right? Researchers at San Diego State University aren’t so sure. Their study of adolescents and college students from the 1960s to the 1990s does show an overall increase in self-esteem but suggests that the increase is not due to improvements in children’s behavior. Instead, the increase could be the result of educators and parents urging children to feel better about themselves.
Why is self-esteem important in children? According to the National Network for Child Care (NNCC), how children feel about themselves affects the way they act. Most of the time, children with high self-esteem will behave in the following ways:
- Make friends easily
- Show enthusiasm for new activities
- Be cooperative and follow age-appropriate rules
- Control their behavior
- Play by themselves and with other children
- Like to be creative and have their own ideas
- Be happy, full of energy and talk to others without much encouragement
What can you do to help children build high self-esteem? The NNCC offers the following suggestions:
- Give sincere affection. Let children know that they are loved and wanted.
- Show interest in children’s activities, projects or problems.
- Let children know that mistakes are a natural part of growing up. Everyone (including adults) makes mistakes.
- Try to ignore temper tantrums and other negative behavior as much as possible.
- Show appreciation when children cooperate, help you, say kind things to other children, obey the rules and do other positive things.
- Remember that learning new skills takes time and practice. Children do not learn new skills all at once.
- Respond affectionately when children behave well. Tell children what you like about their behavior.
- Let children know that you believe in them and expect them to do well.
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