“Helicopter” Parents

They’re called helicopter parents— parents who “hover”,
who are involved in every detail of their child’s life. And
they are increasingly having a hard time letting go…even
when children go off to college.

Sarah Katherman, a freshman at the University of Georgia, calls
her parents before every decision. “Just because I’m
on my own, and I’m only a freshman, so some things are just
like, ‘Eeek! I need to talk to someone about it.’”

She’s not alone. Students admit to calling their parents
about everything…from money…to choosing classes… to
dealing with roommates.

18-year-old Stephen Thurston says, “I’ve been in
the laundry room and kids have said, ‘Hey, Mom! How do you
wash clothes?’” Sarah adds, “I have a car, and
I didn’t have one in high school and I have to call them
all the time about little things like changing the oil, and when
I need to wash it.”

Dr. Richard Mullendore, a professor of college student affairs
administration at the University of Georgia says, “I’ve
been known for the last few years to call the cell phone the world’s
longest umbilical cord. Many of our students will call their parent,
talk to their mother and father four and five times a day. A day.”

The problem, he says, is when kids face more serious issues… a
fight with a roommate…a conflict with a professor… they
won’t know what to do. Mullendore says, “So today’s
students really haven’t learned how to solve conflict, haven’t
learned how to confront each other, because their parents have
been willing to be in the middle of virtually every decision, and
every situation.”

College advisors say parents who believe they are too involved
in their student’s decisions should back off slowly. Explain
why you won’t be calling as often— and when you do call—resist
giving advice.

Mullendore says, “Figure out what are the right questions
to ask the student. As opposed to ‘I will fix that for you’ ‘I
will make that call’ or ‘You need to see so-and-so,’ it’s ‘What
do you think you should do?’”

Thurston says, “At some point, you’re going to be
on your own. So you might as well start doing things on your own
now, because they are not always going to be there to do everything
for you.”

As your son or daughter begins college, he/she is beginning a new
stage in life. While it can be a thrilling and exhilarating time,
it can also be full of apprehension and worry. According to experts
at the Counseling Center for Human Development at the University
of South Florida, some of the challenges your child will face may
include:

• Leaving familiar territory and traditions. Students
  leave behind family, friends – possibly a boyfriend
  or girlfriend, familiar places and customs, and familiar
  rules.
• Managing new freedoms and responsibilities. Greater
  freedom requires greater personal responsibility. In the
  absence of daily parental oversight, students living in an
  apartment or residence hall must be fully responsible for
  waking up and getting to class on time, deciding when to
  study and when to socialize, when and what to eat, when to
  come home at night and when to go to bed, managing their
  money, doing their own laundry, and making daily decisions
  regarding their academic and social behaviors.
• Changing relationships with parents and family. With
  greater independence and less frequent contact, the parent-child
  relationship may evolve into an adult-to-adult, rather than
  adult-to-child, relationship. This creates both challenges
  and opportunities for relationship growth for students and
  their parents. At times, it may be helpful for a student
  to meet with a counselor to discuss any feelings or events
  that may interfere with the adjustment process or satisfactory
  academic performance.
• More demanding academic requirements and competition. Students
  may quickly recognize that they are now competing with other
  students who all were in the upper half of their high school
  class. Many college students were able to do well in high
  school without much effort or study and without developing
  the learning skills (e.g. note-taking, textbook reading,
  study skills) necessary to succeed in college. Students who
  are underperforming may find it very helpful to seek individual
  assistance from professionals in that program.
• Large classes and less individualized attention. In
  high school, students seldom have classes larger than 30
  or so. During the first year of college, it is not unusual
  to enroll in introductory (survey) classes that hold up to
  300 students or more. It is easy to feel disconnected and
  unimportant. In order to counter such feelings, students
  must be able to advocate for themselves. That is, they must
  ask the professor questions in class or during office hours
  and they must take advantage of graduate assistants for additional
  help.
• Registering for classes and choosing a major. It
  is also the student’s responsibility to meet with his or
  her advisor on a regular basis to determine the courses necessary
  for the next semester in order to remain in “good standing” and
  to register appropriately for the following semester’s classes.
  If a student is unsure about a major or career direction,
  he or she should speak with a career counselor. The majority
  of students either do not know what major to pursue when
  they initially enroll in college or they change majors at
  least once during their college career as they learn more
  about themselves and their true interests, values and abilities.
• Time management. In high school, most students
  spend nearly 35 hours each week in class. In college, they
  may spend 12 to 17 hours in class. Some days, they may not
  even have any classes. These periods of non-class time during
  the day (and evening) can easily be spent in a variety of
  non-academic activities. Many students are not aware of the
  general guideline that, for every hour of class time, a student
  should spend approximately two hours studying and completing
  assignments and projects. In order to perform well academically
  and also have time for socializing, exercising and leisure
  activity, both time management and organizational skills
  are critical. Seek an on-campus counseling center that may
  offers workshops and individual counseling, which can address
  issues of time management, effective decision-making and
  other personal issues.
• Feeling overwhelmed by course work (constant studying
  for quizzes and exams, reading assignments, completing projects
  and papers) and other responsibilities, is not unusual and
  can lead to procrastination, which only worsens the problem.
  Some students reveal perfectionistic tendencies (i.e. unrealistically
  high self-expectations or perceived parental expectations),
  which further immobilize their efforts, add to their discouragement
  and impede their effectiveness. Such issues (along with test
  and performance anxiety) are frequent in a college student
  population and may be discussed with counselors.
• Learning
  to live in a world of differences (e.g. diversity
  of ethnicity, religion, philosophical thoughts and beliefs,
  interests and values) may be one of the most important
  developments during the college years. Students are confronted
  with innumerable new ideas in their courses and in their
  interactions with other students from very different backgrounds.
  Students, at times, may feel torn between remaining loyal
  to long-held family beliefs and making decisions based
  on new information and consistent with their own emerging
  values and goals.

When parents are too overbearing or overprotective, the consequences
can be extreme. Children who aren’t able to do things on their
own often grow up to be adults who can’t do things on their own.
And learning to do things early makes things much easier in the future.
Raising an independent child can help ensure that your child’s
transition into adulthood will go a little more smoothly. So how do
you raise independent children? Start early, and consider the following
tips from experts at India Parenting:

• Take it one step at a time – Every time you do
  something for your child, do it slowly and make him/her watch carefully,
  so that he/she learns how to do it by him/herself. So if it’s
  anything from tying shoes to changing a car’s oil, do it
  slowly. Let him/her see how you do it. The next time, let him/her
  perform the task, while you help him/her.
• Don’t be in a hurry – Don’t rush in
  to do everything for your child, no matter how tempting it may
  be. Your child now may be trying to tie his/her shoelaces. You
  know that you can tie them much faster for him/her, and you’re
  getting impatient waiting for your child to get it right. However,
  don’t interfere and tie them for him/her. Stand by and watch
  while he/she tries to do it him/herself. If he/she gets it wrong,
  you can redo it and ask if he/she wants to try again. If not, there’s
  always tomorrow. Don’t interfere until he/she asks for help
  or unless he/she gets it wrong – after he/she has completed
  the task at hand.
• Watch – Soon you would have passed the stage of
  helping your child with every little task. You could simply be
  around monitoring him/her at some level. Don’t brush his
  teeth for him/her – let him/her brush them, but be close
  by while he/she does it. The more he/she starts doing things for
  him/herself, the more confidence he/she will start having in his/her
  own abilities. This is why you should avoid checking your child
  at every step. Instead of telling him/her what he/she is doing
  wrong, tell him/her beforehand how he/she can get it right.
• Help him/her make lists – One of the best things
  you can teach your child is to get him/her into the habit of making
  lists of his/her homework or chores. This will help him/her complete
  more tasks by him/herself and will consequently turn him/her into
  a more independent and capable person. You could start out by making
  the list for him/her, and as he/she completes each task, you could
  make him/her cross it out from the list.