“The child has to learn to accommodate another person, they have to learn to share, they have to learn that if they lose their temper and throw their block at their [friend’s] head, that they’re not going to be their friend anymore. So they learn consequences.”

– Jennifer Thorpe, PhD, post-doctoral fellow, child psychology

Experts joke that the main cause of sibling rivalry is having more than one child. But researchers at the University of Illinois have found that sibling rivalry is not inevitable; there may actually be a way to keep the peace.

Three-year-old Hailey, for example, used to be queen of the castle until seven weeks ago – when her brother was born.

Her parents were concerned that Hailey might become aggressive or mean toward her baby brother.

“She’s very protective and she’s a mommy’s girl,” explains her mom, Stephanie. “She’s a daddy’s girl when he’s home, but she’s very, very close to me. So I wasn’t sure, I really wasn’t sure. Sometimes she’s kind of aggressive.”

But Hailey has already learned about sharing and compromise through her friends.

“She’s got, I want to say, two or three really good girlfriends from school that she talks about all the time,” says Stephanie.

University of Illinois researchers tracked 28 pairs of siblings over 13 years. They found that siblings had a much stronger and longer-lasting friendship with each other, if the older child had learned how to make friends before the younger child was born.

“The child has to learn to accommodate another person, they have to learn to share,” says Dr. Jennifer Thorpe, a post-doctoral fellow in child psychology. “They have to learn that if they lose their temper and throw their block at their [friend’s] head, that they’re not going to be their friend anymore. So they learn consequences.”

And these are skills, experts say, that parents cannot provide.

“The parent generally is going to accommodate the child’s needs,” says Dr. Thorpe. “If the child says ‘I want to color’, the parent is going to say ‘fine, let’s color.’ Another child’s going to say ‘no, I want to play with the trucks.’”

“The parent’s job,” she says, “is to provide exposure, to provide situations where the child can interact with other kids.”

For Hailey, it seems to be working. How much does she love her little brother?

“This much!” she says, with her arms stretched out.

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• With the birth of a new baby, many times the older child will feel angry or confused. Be sure to address and validate their feelings. (Center for Effective Parenting)




• Parents need to be conscious of the names and labels they put on children. Avoid using terms like the “Good Child” and the “Bad Child. (Dr. Jennifer Thorpe)




• Experts say that, when possible, parents need to let siblings work out arguments themselves – and to avoid constant mediation. (Dr. Jennifer Thorpe)




• One of the main reasons children fight is over their parents’ attention. Make sure to spend ample alone time with each child. Also, be sure to pay attention when the siblings are getting along. (Baby Center)

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• University of Illinois – “Sibling Relationship Contributions to Individual and Family Well-Being.”




• National Network for Child Care




• The National Parenting Center

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