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16-year-old Brandon Kennedy used to yell at his mom to get his way. He says once he went too far. “We were yelling and everything and we both just got so mad,” he says. “And then she turned around to pop me, and then out of anger I pushed her.”

He calls it a push. His mom, Sara, says she was hit. Either way, she pressed charges for simple battery.

“He cried after he did it, and he told me how sorry he was,” says Sara, “and he didn’t mean too. We had heard those I’m sorry tears so many times, and he kept doing the stuff over and over again.”

According to the United States Department of Justice, almost a quarter of the teens charged with assault have attacked a member of their own family.

“It’s not just boys who are hitting their moms, it’s girls who are hitting their moms – it’s girls who are hitting their dads,” says Alesia Brooks, area director with Community Solutions, which provides services to troubled youth. “For teens, when you think about developmentally where they’re at, their goal, and I tell parents this all the time, their goal in life is to get what they want.”

Often the abuse starts with words. And then, to get their way the violence, Brooks says, will escalate.

“Calling her names, and if that doesn’t work, screaming and yelling, and if that doesn’t work breaking her things, and if that doesn’t work, I’m going to push her. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to hit her.”

The courts sent a therapist to help Brandon’s parents learn how not to give in to their angry son.

“When I set a boundary, or set a guide, or set a rule, I need to make Brandon follow that,” says Sara.

She says he’s making progress – and, in fact, she is proud of him.

“And he didn’t hear those words a lot from me, or his dad, that we’re proud of him,” says Sara, “but he hears it constantly, and I know it makes him feel better,”

What We Need To Know

• Parents who believe their child has a problem with anger management should seek professional help. If your teen is behaving violently and you are afraid for yourself or other members of your family – or if you believe you have tried everything and still cannot get control of your teen, seek help from a mental health professional. In some cases, teens get help because a parent decides to call the police. (National Mental Health Information Center)




• Aggression may start with name-calling and verbal abuse. By the time children reach their early teens, the problem may escalate to physical violence. (Alesia Brooks, Area Director, Community Solutions, Inc.)




• Parents often downplay their teen’s violent behavior because they are embarrassed, or want to protect the teen from getting in trouble with the law. Don’t minimize the problem with sentences like ‘My teen and I had a fight.’ Sentences like ‘My daughter slapped me’ describe the problem more accurately, and clearly show that the teen is acting inappropriately. (Alesia Brooks, Area Director, Community Solutions, Inc.)




• Examine your own behavior. Does your teen see you acting aggressively? For example, if you would like your teen to take out the trash, do you yell and scream to get them to comply? (Alesia Brooks, Area Director, Community Solutions, Inc.)




• Realize your child may be using aggressive behavior because it works. Parents should not give in to yelling, name-calling, or hitting. Set clear rules. Spell out in advance the reward for following a rule, and the consequence for breaking it. Always follow through. (Multisystemic Therapy, Treatment Model for Juvenile Offenders)

Resources

• Multisystemic Therapy—Treatment Model for Violent Juvenile Offenders




• Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice




• National Mental Health Association

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