“All of a sudden they all started picking on me, saying I had a quote ‘disease’ unquote. I was lonely, I felt lonely. I felt like I had just been outcast.”
– Stanzi, 13 years old
By definition, cliques are exclusionary. There is always someone on the outside wishing they were “in.”
Research shows that cliques are forming at younger and younger ages – but are these kids ready for the consequences? One study found that behaviors like forming cliques, gossiping and spreading rumors actually boosts perceived popularity.
“When I hear the word clique I’m like ‘no, no, it’s a bad thing,'” says 13-year-old Katie.
14-year-old Talley agrees: “When you hear a clique, everybody thinks of people that exclude people and that they’re not really nice to other people, they don’t really care about anybody, besides themselves”
When Stanzi was seven years old, she had a cold and persistent cough in school.
She says that’s when the harassment started. “All of a sudden they all started picking on me, saying I had a quote ‘disease’ unquote,” she remembers. “I was lonely, I felt lonely. I felt like I had just been outcast.”
New research shows that cliques are forming earlier than ever before- as early as second or third grade. And experts say kids that age don’t understand how hurtful exclusion can be.
“One of the problems with cliques starting earlier is that kids don’t yet have much of the cause and effect thinking available to them,” explains Paul Schenk, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist. “Then if this, then this happens – so, there’s a problem in not being able to think through the consequences of something.”
And when you’re on the outside, at the age of seven or eight, it’s harder to deal with the pain.
“Kids at that age haven’t developed the coping strategies,” Schenk says, “They don’t have the ability to step back and appreciate what’s going on, the way that they would later in adolescence.”
And he says there’s another problem when cliques begin at such a young age: “Habits are things that we do, again and again and again. So if these behaviors start earlier and they are repeated more often, then there’s certainly the risk of them becoming more a part of that child’s personality.”
Stanzi has made new friends. But, she says, the bullying changed her:
“It’s made me very withdrawn, anti-social – cold-hearted, some might say in fact. And that’s not how I want to appear to the world. I want to appear as a kind person. Kind, open, friendly – and this all just changed that.”
What We Need To Know
Cliques are groups of friends, but not all groups of friends are cliques. On the positive side, cliques can offer an opportunity for children to develop their social skills, to watch others and to learn ways to behave appropriately. On the negative side, children in cliques are getting practice in whatever behavior is being modeled – which can be bullying and risk-taking. Often one or two popular kids control who gets to be in the clique and who gets left out. Kids may act much differently than they did before they were part of the clique.
Bullying is commonly thought of as physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse, sexual harassment in person or online. Yet in addition to physical abuse, bullies tease, spread rumors and eliminate and exclude people from groups. Bullies frequently torment their victims such that they feel helpless, defenseless and are often in real physical and emotional pain.
First and foremost, talk with your children, especially teens, in ways that encourage the sharing of information. Let them know that you are concerned and want to help, but most of all let them know it is not their fault if they are being bullied or excluded. Never approve of retaliation, which often escalates the problem.
Schools and homes must establish clear rules about bullying behaviors that will not be tolerated. Consequences must be outlined and enforced. If your child is being bullied, talk with administrators and teachers to discuss your concerns and develop a plan of action. You should expect the bullying to stop. Talk with your children about how to stand up for others who are being bullied. Help them to understand that getting involved and seeking help is not “tattling” but an important solution to the problem. And make sure your home is a safe haven.
Resources
- How Cliques Make Kids Feel Left Out
- Mean Girls and Bullies Research
- American Psychological Association Bullying Fact Sheet
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